4 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO BOYS. CULTIVATING TOXIC MASCULINITY IN BOYS We have all heard about detoxing, a way of removing toxic substances from our bodies. As a Jamaican, especially if you grew up in rural areas or from a certain era, i'm sure that growing up you would get a 'washout' once or twice a year. And many of us, including myself, will tribute our good health to these yearly rituals, no matter how horrible the experience was. Some of us continue these traditions with our kids even today. Tell mi if mi lie!! Well, just as how we believed that these 'washouts' had benefits to our health, I believe that we need a parenting 'washout' (detox), to remove from our psyche some toxic ideas, traditions and practices we have, which are doing our boys more harm than good. We need to unlearn the things our grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles taught us about parenting boys. We need to stop perpetuating these myths we have been socialised to believe! At the chance of pissing off some people, I want to highlight what I think are the top 4 things we need to cleanse ourselves of as mothers of boys:
This is usually told to a boy when he's hurting, crying, afraid or whining. But here's the thing, he's a child. Even if he's 16 he's still a child, not a man and definitely not a girl! What he is, is human. Let's remember that human beings hurt, fear and get disappointed, and humans express hurt, fears and disappointments through frustration, tears, frowning, pouting, even adult humans do. This is not just an emotion for women and girls. We need to remember that even though the term may seem harmless in use, you have to understand what it says to a child. It tells him that being a man means he is not entitled to show his feelings, to pretend he doesn't hurt or feel fear. The problem is that these feelings MUST be expressed and if it cannot be released in the most natural way, it will be released in another. With boys that's usually with anger. And i'm sure we've seen how that works out, especially when he does become a man. Keep in mind that these kinds of actions are some times a call for help. INSTEAD: Let's encourage our boys to connect and empathize with others, and to express their emotions in healthy ways, rather than ignoring or hiding them. Consider that we may be reinforcing harmful ideas that being a man is more important than simply being human. Encourage respect and empathy, and let our boys define their own identities. 2. Boys will be boys (so di boy tan) Sad to say that I have used this one in the past and am guilty of using this for the same reasons i'm about to list. This is what we say when boys are being violent with each other, fighting and being loud and rowdy. It's what we heard in high school when our first boyfriend started to check out our friend or another girl behind our backs. We use this excuse to brush off bad behaviour from boys. It's the worst excuse ever, and we need to stop using it! Boys should be held accountable for their actions, same as girls! INSTEAD: Let's teach our boys to be responsible for their own actions, make them suffer the consequences of bad behaviour and not pardon them because they are boys. The behaviour we excuse has nothing to do with testosterone, but more with detox #1 (above). When boys learn to empathise and connect with others they will more likely consider how their actions affect others. 3. Any variation of the girlfriend/sex argument. I have seen boys as young as 5/6 encouraged tho have many girlfriends. I have seen boys 13/14 told they need to get laid or ridiculed for being a virgin. And yes, all this done by their mothers. When called out on it they say they are just messing with them, all fun and joke. But this is not all fun and joke to your child. What you are saying to your boy is that your worth is tied to how many sexual partners you have. "Don’t worry about connection, love, or having a relationship.” I always find it funny when a single mom does this, or laughs when other people do this to her son. Because she is in the situation she is because she got involved with a man who most likely practice what she is teaching her son. INSTEAD: We need to make sure that when we talk about sex, we’re not just talking about getting it, we’re talking about relating to another person, which involves much more: consent, respect, contraception/protection, and communication. 4. Just like your father (wutlis puppa) This one is the most dangerous of all! Because it's never done to compliment or encourage, it's always done to berate, insult and putdown the child, who already suffers from his father not being in the family home. Many times he hears how terrible and 'wutlis' his father is, not even the scum of the earth is that low, and now you are likening him to this person. Some mothers do it thinking that they are trying to warn their child not to end up like their fathers, not to end up in jail, without an education etc., and i get that. But this is not the way to do it, that child will only hear that his life is not worth much, that he will not have success, that he is not loved. Because these words are never coming from a place of love, the impact on the child is far reaching.
INSTEAD: Whenever you feel the urge to say something like this to your son, no matter how his behaviour reminds you of his father, swallow, take a deep breath and bring your blood pressure down. If your son has gotten himself in something that could affect his future drastically, then what he needs is a talk, counselling, mentor, whatever it takes for him to get out of his own way. Understand that sometimes the destructive behaviour is because of the father or lack thereof, so you cementing it with your words is not going to make it any better. What's most important, is that we let our boys know that we've (mother) got their back. We’re there to keep them in check but also to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, we are their safe space. Don't get preoccupied about raising them to be 'real men'. It's about raising conscious, confident, caring, kind humans, It’s about making the world a better place to live in. What other toxic phrases are you tired of hearing? Spill in the comments below! |
AuthorMy name is fran black, i'm a parenting coach to single moms raising boys and I help moms who have to co-parent with a narcissist/toxic person. I share my journey in hope that it will help someone else. My aim is to break the cycle of cultural and societal beliefs around raising boys, so that they can have a better future. Archives
April 2021
CategoriesDon't be left out! |